How Are You Really?

Enhancing your Emotional Wellness

“How are you?”is a very common greeting we hear everyday. It’s a mindless habit we have, and for the most part, it’s a brief phrase that is broadly overused and not a serious inquiry. The answer is usually short and positive. Even if you are having a bad day, the polite reply is “I’m fine, thanks, how about you?” There is no need to say anything personal, nor are you expected to give a detailed account of your health condition.

Let’s take a look at the last time you checked in with yourself and asked, “How are you?” We, too, tend to be vague in answering that question, as we either haven’t made the time for ourselves or just don’t want to go there as it might trigger all kinds of emotions. Everyone has feelings, but not everyone may know what they really are or how to deal with them.

We cannot ignore or hide our feelings. Everything we do is fuelled by our emotions. They control your thoughts, behaviours, actions and even your body. They give meaning to our lives and add depth to our experiences. Emotions are our lifelines that keep us connected so we can build healthy relationships and lead productive lives. Lack of emotional awareness leads to buried emotions that don’t go away by themselves. They end up playing themselves out in emotional behaviours that keep you stuck in a vicious cycle.

Feelings are often neglected and misunderstood. The key to emotional well-being is to be able to recognize and respect our feelings as well as to express them in a healthy, constructive way. Emotional baggage will keep us stuck in the past and drain us our precious energy in the present.

First and foremost, feelings are not good or bad. They just are. They are part of our inner reality, which includes the full range of emotions from joy to sadness. We cannot choose to suppress an undesirable feeling and select only the good ones. Emotional health does not imply always being happy. It’s about being able to embrace all of our emotions.

By continuously denying our feelings, we end up feeling numb. Eventually, we will seek out artificial ways, such as gambling, drinking, or using drugs, to help create those feelings of being alive. People spend a lot of resources, time, and energy holding back their feelings. The essence of communication is being honest with ourselves which in turn will lead to better understanding and communicating with others.

Feelings are not a sign of weakness. There is a false sense of security in trying to “control” our emotions. Emotions actually control us. It takes great courage and strength to be in touch with our feelings and to not be afraid to show them, especially for men who have been taught that big boys don’t cry. Society also teaches us that the rational mind is far superior to our inferior emotional mind.

Feelings are personal messages. Pay attention to this vital information. We need to act on it. Allow the feelings to flow, to be expressed. Most of the pain we suffer comes from resisting and not letting go. Getting in touch with our true feelings may require some work, but it will cost us more to go against the flow and try to suppress them. You can’t push the river, but you can “grow” with the flow.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt. People do not make us feel bad, guilty, sad or happy. We need to own our feelings and take responsibility. Stop denying and blaming. Re-acting is just doing the same old thing you’ve always done in the past. Responding is choosing to do something different in the present. Give up being the victim. Free yourself and move on, feeling connected and equipped to handle life’s challenges.

Prerequisites for Emotional Healing

Being present: make time and space for yourself so you can quiet the mind and listen to your heart. If you are looking for answers to your questions, you need to be able to be present in order to pick up and reflect on the incoming information. Keeping busy and making noise is a good way to keep the emotions away and dampen the pain. Meditation, quiet time and journalling are great tools for alleviating this.
Being relaxed: getting rid of daily tensions gives you easier access to your feelings. Breath is the fundamental core to learning how to relax and be in your body. Your feelings live in your body as sensations. So get out of your head and into your body. You cannot think your feelings, you need to take a deep breath, relax & feel your feelings.
Being true to your feelings: denial and distortion will keep you stuck in the past. The truth shall set you free. In therapy, the healing can begin once you can acknowledge and validate what you are feeling. In order to facilitate emotional awareness, you need to start identifying old, self-defeating behaviour patterns and self-limiting beliefs. Grant yourself permission to feel in nonjudgmental ways. In order to feel our emotions, we need to accept them and be willing to let them go. This will permit the free flow of energy to heal us.

Exploring the Nature and Dynamics of the Top 5 Emotions

ANGER
When someone steps on your toes and you have been hurt, you need to stand up for yourself. Your rights have been violated, your boundaries have been crossed and your needs have not been met.

MESSAGE
Anger protects and defends you by supplying the energy required to express the underlying hurt when it occurs. Unexpressed anger is where we add insult to injury. The longer you hold anger in, the more damage it can cause.

ANTIDOTE
Assertiveness. Take responsibility for your feelings, thoughts, and actions. Stop blaming everyone and everything. Since anger is a very strong emotion full of energy, you need to do something physical; get up and dance, yell, scream, punch a bag, jog. Learn stress management techniques. After you have cooled down, follow up with conflict resolution. Establish your boundaries, stand up for your rights, and speak out. Look for re-solutions so that all parties involved can reach a win-win situation and bottom line, and have your needs met.

FEAR
We all have a built-in survival mechanism designed to alert us that something may be difficult or dangerous. Our response to the perceived threat is to “Fight or Flight”. This extra energy supply is meant to serve and protect you. Fear becomes the signal to go, not to stop. Self-doubt will keep you stuck in your comfort zone and basically avoiding life experiences.

MESSAGE
When you see fear, don’t stop. Take caution and then jump right into the opportunity to grow and become stronger. Fears don’t go away by themselves, nor can you hide from them.

ANTIDOTE

Self Confidence. Flex those courage muscles by facing and conquering your fears. Taking a risk is saying “Yes, I can do it.” A major roadblock to success in life is not believing in yourself and in your ability to handle life’s challenges.

ANXIETY

Anticipation and expectation of loss or injury in the future. Anxiety is created by focusing on the negative things that could possibly happen in the future. Trying to predict and control the uncontrollable is investing in a lose-lose battle. Anxiety is a warning signal that alerts you of impeding danger, so get prepared to defend yourself. If this heightened sense of awareness is not resolved and you keep avoiding the situation, it will eventually cause more anxiety, burnout and panic.

MESSAGE

These anxious feelings are not bad or fatal, they are just uncomfortable. It’s time to become more present in your life and evaluate your negative thinking patterns that lead you to press those panic buttons. This malfunction causes a failure to take the necessary action. Make the conscious choice to start responding in new positive, healthy ways instead of reacting in the same old negative way.

ANTIDOTE

R-E-L-A-X the body and mind and learn how to breathe. By letting go of tension, you can choose to be present and stop worrying about the future. Be positive. Trust in your ability to handle whatever comes your way. Let go of the need to control. “This too shall pass.”

SADNESS

With all the focus today on happiness, we tend to treat sadness as unnecessary. It’s OK to feel sad. It helps you slow down and cope with loss and disappointment as you come to terms with your situation and are able to adapt, accept and move on.

MESSAGE

This period of withdrawal is an opportunity for introspection. Mourn the loss and digest the experience. As you go through the grieving process, your energy will gradually return and make you ready for a new beginning. By honouring those feelings of sadness, you will discover what you need.

ANTIDOTE

Give yourself permission and allow yourself the time to adjust to your significant loss. Feeling sad can actually feel good. Go ahead and let it out and have a good cry. Feel the relief as you come to let go and ultimately move into a happier place where you can appreciate life and feel enriched by your experience.

DEPRESSION

Unprocessed grief leads to depression and a depletion of energy. Depression is a much older and deeper feeling and can be quite debilitating. It shows a pattern of avoiding feelings and feeling disconnected from your real self. It is important to find out the root cause of your depression as there are many different sources.

MESSAGE

Life is urging you to figure out what is important to you. An opportunity to re-evaluate your life and to address those things you have been avoiding so you can gain a greater understanding of who you are. In order to have more life and energy, you need to look at what’s blocking you and examine those buried feelings.

ANTIDOTE
Redefine your life. It’s time to sort out feelings and get to the heart of the matter. As you identify your losses, make sure you take the time to mourn them in order to finally be able to process them, let go, and move on to attain a new level of understanding and meaning in your life. Make it your daily prerogative to do things that will make you feel good about yourself. Taking the first step may be hard, but there is some little thing you can start with now. And while it may be difficult to reach out for support, it is important to stay connected and get involved with social activities, even if you don’t feel like it.

Some other considerations;

Counselling can provide a safe environment for you to gain insight and strength while exploring your emotions on a deeper level.
Support groups also create an environment to help you open up and express your emotions, as well as break out of your isolation and realize that you are not alone.
Journaling is a great tool for identifying and processing your emotions. It is a tool that helps bring clarity, like talking to your best friend. It is also like having a therapist available to you 24/7.

Most of us don’t know how we feel inside. Emotions become toxic when we spend an enormous amount of energy trying to reject, judge, avoid, and suppress them.

Emotions control you; you cannot control them. Learn to just be with them and get to know yourself better. Emotions can guide you, keep you on track and help you gauge what’s happening in your life. Increased self-awareness will help you navigate through change and deal with life’s challenges. Become more emotionally intelligent by learning how to understand and manage your emotions.